Me.

I need sleep.

I miss sleep.

Weekends were all about lie-ins for me. I’ve never been a morning person, and I knew that would change once I had a baby. But I didn’t expect that two years later, I still wouldn’t be ‘sleeping through the night’.

Y wasn’t a great sleeper as a baby. In fact, for the first 9 months he didn’t really sleep. I don’t know why he didn’t sleep. Maybe he was hungry, so I would feed him, often falling asleep, sat in bed, with him still in my arms. Maybe my milk wasn’t enough, so I topped up with formula but he still cried. Maybe he was cold, so I’d put a blanket over him even though they advise you not to. Maybe he had reflux. Maybe he had wind. Maybe it was Colic, whatever that is… So I gave him Gaviscon, I rubbed his tummy, I cycled his legs, I burped him for hours. I tried to supplement with different milks, I tried infacol, I tried different bottles. Maybe it was teething, so I gave him ibuprofen. Maybe he just wanted soothing, so I paced back and forth in my room for hours each night, singing and playing lullaby’s on my phone. Maybe he just wanted to be close to me, so I lay him next to me in my bed (which I miss so much now).

Maybe it was all of those things, maybe it was none of them. But I tried EVERYTHING. Every Night. For nine months. But the sleepless nights never ceased.

Then we took him on our first long haul holiday, and something changed. Was it the weather? Was it that his first tooth cut through? Was it that one night I just refused to get up? It was my holiday too after all. Whatever it was, he slowly began to sleep, each night of the holiday going for longer stretches. So when we got back home, I put him to sleep in his own room for the first time. I promised myself I would not give in and bring him back into bed with me during the night, no matter if he woke or how tired I was. And it worked. Slowly over the next few weeks, he started to sleep for longer, with me only having to get up a couple of times a night.

At 12 months old, he started nursery and I returned to work. He still woke a couple of times a night, usually between 1-2am and then 4-5am. A year on, and it’s still the same, most nights, but not all. He sleeps pretty well now in comparison, but me, I’m not sure sleep for me will ever be the same.

Those first 9 months have put a fear into me that I can’t get rid of. Every night I go to bed with this fear that he’ll wake crying and I won’t be able to get him back to sleep. And I’ll be up for hours, and so will he. I am haunted by those sleepless nights, of feeling so tired and so helpless, some nights at my wit’s end. It sounds crazy, and the truth is I am crazy when it comes to his sleep. I’m so precious about his sleep now that any disruption to his bedtime routine, any noise, any distractions whilst I’m trying to put him to bed, anyone going in his room whilst he’s asleep, my anxiety kicks in. I’ve not had a night away from him yet for this very reason. What if he wakes and no-one can get him back to sleep?

Writing this is making me realise even more how crazy and irrational I probably seem. But looking back has also made me realise how hard it was. At the time I just got on with it. Once I’d got through the night, the daytime would be fine. And even now, I think I’m in some form of permanent exhaustion, but that has just become my new norm, I’ve adjusted to it, and I’m getting on just fine. Maybe I don’t really need sleep after all.

And that’s the reason I’m writing this. Despite all of the above, the tiredness, the anxiety, the feeling that it’s never going to get better, I got through it, I’m doing ok, and I have the happiest, most beautiful little boy to prove that. So for anyone reading this going through the same thing, I can’t really give you any tips, but I can tell you that you will also be fine. It does get better. It’s amazing the strength your mind and body can have if you let it. You take the small victories of the nights they do sleep, and remind yourself of how amazing they are during the good times, of which there are always more.

Until next time,

Love S x